{"id":767,"date":"2017-03-06T17:01:03","date_gmt":"2017-03-06T17:01:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/?p=767"},"modified":"2017-03-06T17:01:03","modified_gmt":"2017-03-06T17:01:03","slug":"a-tale-of-two-boxes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2017\/03\/06\/a-tale-of-two-boxes\/","title":{"rendered":"A Tale of Two Boxes"},"content":{"rendered":"

After a recent brush with local tornadoes, my husband and I simultaneously placed mail orders for surviving any upcoming disasters we may encounter.<\/em><\/p>\n

Me: <\/strong>Honey, we got two huge deliveries in the mail today. The box addressed to you is heavy, has been inspected by the NSA and is wearing camouflage.<\/p>\n

Him:<\/strong> Oh great, the supplies I ordered from the Preppers website came.<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> Ugh. Izod is so 1983.<\/p>\n

Him:<\/strong> (Opening the really big box.) Not preppie\u2014\u201cPrepper.\u201d You know like those people who prepare for an impending doomsday?<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> I prefer to be called a Progressive. But whatever. <\/p>\n

Him:<\/strong> (Ignoring my passive-aggressive politics.) With that tornado that touched down this week, I thought we should have more emergency supplies on hand.<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> (Inspecting the contents.) Just how long do you think tornadoes last because you\u2019ve got enough nonperishable food here for months.<\/p>\n

Him:<\/strong> 2 months worth for 10 people to be exact.<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> Is there a weather phenomenon that renders your tastebuds useless because I\u2019m not sure the circumstances that would make me want to eat a pouch of creamed chipped beef.<\/p>\n

Him:<\/strong> That will be a luxury if the power goes out for more than an hour.<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> (Unimpressed.) An hour-long power outage would be the luxury if you couldn\u2019t order from weird websites.<\/p>\n

Him:<\/strong> (Checking out the 5 gallon drum of apple cobbler.) What was that, dear?<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> I said, good thinking. (Inspecting one of the bags.) Um, what are these pouches of purified drinking water?<\/p>\n

Him:<\/strong> In case there\u2019s no fresh water supply, duh. And if we run out of those I have tablets to turn our urine into safe drinking water.<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> (Horrified.) If we are ever in situation where we\u2019re considering drinking human waste is a good idea I hope there\u2019s cyanide tablets in there too because I\u2019m out.<\/p>\n

Him:<\/strong> Here\u2019s a campstove made from a pie tin and a fire pit that needs no matches, but I also got waterproof ones just in case.<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> The future looks grim.<\/p>\n

Him:<\/strong> The future looks prepared. (Looking over at my ordered box.) What did you order for the emergency cause?<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Him:<\/strong> (Opening my box. Coughing, choking, and then what appears to be sobbing.) You ordered a case of margarita glasses?<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> (Backing out of the room.) We all have our coping mechanisms.<\/p>\n

Him:<\/strong> (Disgusted.) I\u2019m taking this stuff downstairs.<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> (Apologetically.) The glasses are shatterproof\u2026<\/p>\n

\u00a9 2017 Tracey Henry<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Just in case you needed visual proof to this tale…<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

After a recent brush with local tornadoes, my husband and I simultaneously placed mail orders for surviving any upcoming disasters we may encounter. Me: Honey, we got two huge deliveries in the mail today. The box addressed to you is heavy, has been inspected by the NSA and is wearing camouflage. Him: Oh great, the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":[]},"categories":[2],"tags":[103],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3NIOM-cn","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":291,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2013\/11\/12\/a-tree-falls-in-nashville\/","url_meta":{"origin":767,"position":0},"title":"A tree falls in Nashville","date":"November 12, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Last weekend in our backyard... Me: The tree guy came and took down most of the dead trees in the backyard except for one. He said he would have to come back for that one with different equipment because it was too big. My Husband: That one by the fence\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":761,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2017\/02\/13\/just-when-you-thought-it-was-safe-to-answer-your-door-during-cookie-season-my-husband-and-i-discuss-sales-strategy\/","url_meta":{"origin":767,"position":1},"title":"Just when you thought it was safe to answer your door during cookie season, my husband and I discuss sales strategy…","date":"February 13, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Him: What\u2019s with the thousands of cardboard cases in the garage? Did you go to the wine store today? Me: No. Duh, wine store day is Friday and it\u2019s only Tuesday. No, they\u2019re cookies. Him: ? Me: Girl Scout Cookies. I thought I told you, I\u2019m Cookie Mom again this\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":611,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/08\/15\/college-countdown\/","url_meta":{"origin":767,"position":2},"title":"College Countdown","date":"August 15, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Our oldest is off to college in a few days, and I thought I\u2019d share this handy timeline on how to prepare for this upcoming event. 3 months out: Rent a storage unit to house and hoard your billboard-sized Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons for dorm shopping later. 2 months\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/IMG_3088-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":398,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/02\/28\/how-to-lose-weight-your-mind-and-all-close-relationships\/","url_meta":{"origin":767,"position":3},"title":"How to lose weight, your mind and all close relationships","date":"February 28, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"My husband and I just went through the most grueling, painful and literally fruitless experiment of our entire marriage: a no-carb diet. Me: (Serving up a whole chicken on his plate.) I\u2019ve made meat for dinner. Again. Him: (Turning up his nose.) Darn. I had meat with a side of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":420,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/03\/25\/worst-game-ever\/","url_meta":{"origin":767,"position":4},"title":"Worst. Game. Ever.","date":"March 25, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Sometimes my husband and I play this game where we try to up the ante on torturing ourselves and our family. The rules are simple: we take a very innocuous activity, then we each add a detail to complicate and add another layer of anguish. Our most recent round? Spring\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":898,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2020\/09\/02\/speaking-of-march\/","url_meta":{"origin":767,"position":5},"title":"Speaking of March","date":"September 2, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"If March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb, the 2020 version must have come in like a rabid raccoon with a raging case of pink-eye and an undiagnosed venereal disease. It went out like...well, it never really left and just lay dying in the corner of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/IMG_0290-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/767"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=767"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/767\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":769,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/767\/revisions\/769"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=767"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=767"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=767"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}