I have somehow managed to make it almost two decades into parenthood without facing one of the most difficult questions of our time: Mommy, why don\u2019t we have an Elf on the Shelf?<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re not familiar with this recent cult phenomenon, a growing number of people play this game of placing a stuffed troll out in a Santa hat around the house for the purpose of gauging a child\u2019s Naughty or Niceness and reporting back to the Big Man. Each morning the Elf must be put into a new, clever pose or you have failed at life and destroyed a childhood. The oldest of our four children was well past the age of NSA Elfness when this was invented in 2005, so this little yuletide poltergeist has not been incorporated into our holiday traditions. I am reluctant to say the least to introduce him now. We\u2019ve been doing just fine with Santa himself knowing if we\u2019ve been sleeping, knowing when we\u2019re awake. He\u2019s the first to know if we\u2019ve been bad\u2014or good\u2014so we are good for goodness sake! I don\u2019t know if we need an elfin tattletale middleman to achieve this.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t get me wrong, I am as big of a holiday mascot cheerleader as you\u2019ll find. I\u2019ve fallen for the Shoe Trick of St. Nick. We get visits by the Easter Rabbit with So Much Candy I want to Stabbit. Fireworks Bam from Uncle Sam and much against my Will, there\u2019s Punxsutawney Phil and I\u2019m that Sap Who Sets Leprechaun Traps on St. Patrick\u2019s Day. And despite being Stupid, I buy Candy from Cupid. I\u2019m the Queen of Halloween and if I have any change to Spare-y, multiple times a year we will see the Tooth Fairy. And of course, I am a Santa Claus with Many Flaws.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s a lot for a mother to keep up with.<\/p>\n
I just don\u2019t think it\u2019s fair to add one more holiday responsibility EVERY DAY FROM THANKSGIVING TO CHRISTMAS EVE of someone who drinks Wine from a Stein and Gin from a Bin. I\u2019m the mother that turns in school Permission Slips After the Trips with so much Junk in the Trunk that the Cookies for the Troop Have Turned to Soup. I frequently commit Birthday Party Tardies and Lack A Soccer Snack. They Tire of the Uniform Still in the Dryer, so by the time Elf relocation time arrived every day I\u2019m sure my Head would Still be in Bed Full of Dread. <\/p>\n
So please, I beg No more Holiday Lore in a Drawer. <\/p>\n
Please Forgive all the Bluster and with all of the Holiday Cheer I Can Muster (and I\u2019ll probably be Sorry I Cussed Her): Elf on the Shelf, go &@^%^ yourself. <\/p>\n
\u00a92014 Tracey Henry<\/p>\n
<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have somehow managed to make it almost two decades into parenthood without facing one of the most difficult questions of our time: Mommy, why don\u2019t we have an Elf on the Shelf? If you\u2019re not familiar with this recent cult phenomenon, a growing number of people play this game of placing a stuffed troll […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":[]},"categories":[2],"tags":[20],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3NIOM-aD","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":621,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/09\/10\/treat-yourself-and-kids-with-custom-confections\/","url_meta":{"origin":659,"position":0},"title":"Treat yourself and kids with Custom Confections","date":"September 10, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Available September 1st from Capstone Young Readers, this book is perfect for budding young pastry chefs or families that just want to have some fun in the kitchen. If you're looking for some sweet treats to make up with your kids this holiday season and beyond, don\u2019t miss Custom Confections,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Recipe"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/CustomConfectionsbookcoverhigh-res-240x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":634,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/10\/13\/634\/","url_meta":{"origin":659,"position":1},"title":"It’s the most wonderful time of the year","date":"October 13, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Hockey is a holiday around here, we decorate accordingly. 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There are built-in thermometers, specifically-crafted deep-fryers, brining bags the size of Samsonites and special 1-800 hotlines to cook the easiest\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/11\/Hazel-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":228,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2013\/08\/29\/nothing-says-holiday-weekend-like-moonshine-and-a-titanic-replica\/","url_meta":{"origin":659,"position":3},"title":"Nothing says holiday weekend like moonshine and a Titanic replica","date":"August 29, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Ah, Labor Day weekend. It\u2019s either the last hurrah of summer or, as we\u2019ve determined earlier, a mid-semester break. However you refer to it, I hope it means fun, food, friends and family. For us, it means all of those things in a cabin in Galtinburg, Tennessee. This is a\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Lunch Combination Special : column and recipe"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/IMG_2088-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":317,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2013\/11\/30\/fall-recipe-wrap-up\/","url_meta":{"origin":659,"position":4},"title":"Fall recipe wrap-up","date":"November 30, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"To wrap-up November, Thanksgiving and autumn celebrations in general, here are some promised links to two recipes I served at Fakesgiving--my favorite holiday. Here is the corn pudding recipe I served--I doubled it and baked it twice as long and it was perfect. And that delicious cider punch? Not only\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Recipe"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/12\/IMG_2254-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":592,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/07\/23\/national-hot-dog-day\/","url_meta":{"origin":659,"position":5},"title":"National Hot Dog Day","date":"July 23, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Celebrate this important and historic day. Or the next time you want to watch a game on the couch. Or don't want to do dishes. 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