More and more frequently, I’ll recall a warm childhood memory and as I’m regarding now in my parental mind’s eye, I can’t help but stop and think, “What the hell?”<\/p>\n
We didn’t grow up in a bad area of town. On the contrary–it was a nice suburban Michigan home in a subdivision filled with large sprawling yards and growing families. It was a particularly good neighborhood to Trick-Or-Treat in because there was always a porch light on at every house, and easy-to-navigate streets.<\/p>\n
I remember going out with my Dad and sister and we’d hit as many houses as possible in our unknown costumes buried under a parka since October in Michigan meant it was 3 degrees outside. My Mom would stay at home passing out the candy and when we returned we’d dump out our pillowcases filled with sugar treasures, and the mad sorting would begin.<\/p>\n
Or should I say, my mother would begin the 3 day long inspection process and clinical drug trials.<\/p>\n
You must put into context that the idyllic neighborhood I described was set in the late seventies which is when and where all urban legends were born. I have no idea if there was any concrete evidence or actual events to support the extraordinary means my mother would go through to make sure our candy wasn’t tainted, but I imagine some fuzzy-screened news anchor with a wide tie informing the good citizens of Oakland County that Charles Manson was on the loose in the Hershey factory inserting razor blades and Tylenol laced with cyanide into fun size Snickers bars.<\/p>\n
Even before one M got stuffed into my mouth, she’d immediately start the torture.<\/p>\n
All apples (yeah, that lady lived in my hood, too) were tossed into the trash. “Hello, ever hear of Snow White?” Popcorn balls or anything homemade? “I’m not sure if it’s poisoned but you don’t know what kind of kitchen that came from. You could get trichinosis.”<\/p>\n
All loose candy was pitched. Anything in a wrapper that was torn, wrinkled or compromised in any way was an immediate discard. And all Milky Ways were automatically confiscated, but I think it was just because she liked those.<\/p>\n
We were then allowed to choose one piece of candy from our bags, but only after Mom chopped it up like a sushi chef to make sure there was nothing hidden inside or any powdery residue on the blade of the cleaver.<\/p>\n
After the intense visual inspection and biopsy, you’d think you were in the clear, but you were obviously not aware of the cornucopia of dangers lurking in a Bit o’ Honey in 1979. No, then all of the level 1 cleared candy was bundled back up into the pillowcase with the firm declaration, “You can have this back in a few days after your Uncle has had a chance to X-ray it.”<\/p>\n
Yes. X-Ray.<\/p>\n
This was an annual ritual that I thought was just our curse having an uncle as a radiologist, but one year we had to take it to the local McDonald’s for a mobile screening so this must have been a widespread concern in our zip code. I guess irradiation was deemed less dangerous than the possible lockjaw we’d get from biting down on a rusty nail. <\/p>\n
By the time the candy would come back well into November, it lost much of its appeal. Still wearing its hospital bracelet and reeking of antiseptic, the bag sat on the kitchen table looking a little lighter and glowing unnaturally. I couldn’t help but lose my confectionary appetite a little.<\/p>\n
And again, looking back at it through my parental mind’s eye, maybe it was all by design.<\/p>\n
Trick on my Treats after all.<\/p>\n
\u00a92012 Tracey Henry<\/p>\n
<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
More and more frequently, I’ll recall a warm childhood memory and as I’m regarding now in my parental mind’s eye, I can’t help but stop and think, “What the hell?” We didn’t grow up in a bad area of town. On the contrary–it was a nice suburban Michigan home in a subdivision filled with large […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":[]},"categories":[2],"tags":[39],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3NIOM-aw","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":317,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2013\/11\/30\/fall-recipe-wrap-up\/","url_meta":{"origin":652,"position":0},"title":"Fall recipe wrap-up","date":"November 30, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"To wrap-up November, Thanksgiving and autumn celebrations in general, here are some promised links to two recipes I served at Fakesgiving--my favorite holiday. Here is the corn pudding recipe I served--I doubled it and baked it twice as long and it was perfect. And that delicious cider punch? Not only\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Recipe"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/12\/IMG_2254-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":275,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2013\/10\/25\/scarecrow-salad\/","url_meta":{"origin":652,"position":1},"title":"Scarecrow Salad","date":"October 25, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"A couple of decades ago for a \u201cHalloween-Themed Meal,\u201d I\u2019d have put out a bowl of Frankenberry and called it a night. Four children and the invention of the Internet later, I feel an unnatural urge to theme everything we eat in October into some sort of spooky, ghoulish or\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Recipe"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/10\/IMG_2217-300x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":270,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2013\/10\/24\/white-turkey-chili\/","url_meta":{"origin":652,"position":2},"title":"White Turkey Chili","date":"October 24, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"There\u2019s only a week until Halloween and we have a lot to do, people. There are copious amounts of food-coloring, meat-sculpturing, vegetable-carving and other compound verbs that you never thought would be part of your late October repertoire. Let\u2019s get started, shall we? I\u2019m always on the look out for\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Recipe"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/10\/IMG_2220-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":908,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2020\/09\/10\/june\/","url_meta":{"origin":652,"position":3},"title":"June","date":"September 10, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"I don't think our particular map dot was unique during Covid in that ten miles in any given direction of our house meant a different set of rules, mandates and orders. Frankly, it was a confusing and haphazard mess, but by June we had become accustomed to living(ish) our best\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/IMG_0396-2-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":401,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/03\/02\/mardi-gras-cake\/","url_meta":{"origin":652,"position":4},"title":"Mardi Gras Cake","date":"March 2, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"This is my version of the popular Halloween Cake you've probably seen around before adapted for Fat Tuesday. It's called, \"Hey, Kids! Here's all the sugar and processed food stuffs I'm denying you over the next 40 days all in one cake!\" Just follow the instructions listed here, and replace\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Recipe"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/IMG_2610-300x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":427,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/03\/27\/a-few-words-on-disney\/","url_meta":{"origin":652,"position":5},"title":"A few words on #DisneySMMoms","date":"March 27, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"I\u2019ve been to Disney so many times, I park in SubDiva 53. I\u2019ve been to Disney so many times, A Small World is sick of my theme song. I\u2019ve been to Disney so many times, my Fast Passes used to read, \u201cYou again?\u201d I\u2019ve been to Disney so many times\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/652"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=652"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/652\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":653,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/652\/revisions\/653"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=652"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=652"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=652"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}