As I sit here on the morning of the first day of school, which has crept earlier and earlier each August until it seems as though the 4th of July is closer than Labor Day, it occurs to me that the local School Boards may be suffering from an embarrassing affliction. I know it\u2019s not quite PC or appropriate to discuss outside of AM radio talk show commercials and creepy email spam, but I think there\u2019s a rampant case of premature education going on around here.<\/p>\n
It only takes a simple Google clip art image search of the words, \u201cBack to School\u201d with its apple-laden, fall-leaf-wreathed chalkboards and discounted plaid wool skirts with turtlenecks turned up to earlobes covered by fur-lined ski caps to confirm that the web–which is World Wide I remind you–universally accepts the fact that the First Day of School is an autumnal event.<\/p>\n
And though I am not Julius Caesar, I maintain that August, and certainly July, land squarely in the Northern Hemisphere\u2019s summer, and therefore, by its very position in the space-time continuum, charted latitudes and longitudes, maritime tides, and proximity to the solstices and several Independence Days, both foreign and domestic; are historically, meteorologically, ill-timed months to resume scholastic endeavors.
\nIn other words, you may be pulling the trigger a little too early, Board of Education.<\/p>\n
August 5th is our start date this year. This is actually a week later than most of the schools around us, so I guess I should feel lucky. The earth has had seven more days in which to retain summer temperatures approaching triple digits.<\/p>\n
Clearly there is some confusion on the Board with regard to an appropriate First Day of School. As the helpful citizen that I am, I would like to provide this brief tutorial to school planners to consider when they prepare next year\u2019s calendar so they are not, once again, subject to this embarrassing and inconvenient problem.<\/p>\n
~If you start school before your state\u2019s tax-free holiday on school supplies even begins, you may be guilty of premature education.<\/p>\n
~If playground balls fuse to the blacktop in the blistering heat, it may be a sign of premature education.<\/p>\n
~If August is does not fall into \u201csummer\u201d on the school calendar, there may well be premature educating going on.<\/p>\n
~If the first holiday off you have after the first day of school is a Christmas in July mattress sale, it just may be evidence of premature education.<\/p>\n
~If parents are confused on whether the first day is a start date or an end date to the school year, well, it just may be a textbook case of premature education.<\/p>\n
~If your \u201cBack-to-School\u201d store circulars come in your Memorial Day paper, it\u2019s premature education.<\/p>\n
~If you have to pack zinc oxide and salt tablets in your child\u2019s lunchbox, chances are pretty good you\u2019re prematurely educating.<\/p>\n
~If your child\u2019s \u201cschool bus\u201d has a freezer on board, plays \u201cPop goes the Weasel\u201d and serves Push-ups from a side window, premature education could be to blame.<\/p>\n
~If your official school uniform includes flip flops and a panama hat, methinks it clearly is premature education.<\/p>\n
~If math class is taught in SPF values, you know…<\/p>\n
~If students have completed all of the material in their textbooks before they\u2019ve chosen a Halloween costume, premature education should be considered.<\/p>\n
~If you have the phrase, \u201cBut we get a week off for Fall Break in October,\u201d emblazoned on a T-shirt, that\u2019s uniform for premature education.<\/p>\n
~If your child was born under the zodiacal sign of cancer and has to bring in birthday cupcakes for his classmates, talk to your doctor about premature education.<\/p>\n
~If your child has ever brought a watermelon for a teacher on the first day instead of an apple because that\u2019s the only fruit in season, education prematurely could be the culprit.<\/p>\n
~If there has ever been a wave runner in your school carline, there\u2019s no shame in admitting your premature education.<\/p>\n
~If your child is taught how to convert Fahrenheit to Celsius and Celsius to Kelvin to record the average temperature during science class; well, just sayin\u2019.<\/p>\n
~If your child has ever had to write a paper on Bastille Day due on Bastille Day; ahem.<\/p>\n
~And finally, if as part of their emergency planning your school regularly conducts Sharknado drills; I rest my case.<\/p>\n
You\u2019re welcome. Now everyone is satisfied.<\/p>\n
\u00a92013 Tracey Henry<\/p>\n
(Originally published 8\/13 but updated today because the Board of Education didn’t listen last year.)<\/p>\n
<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
As I sit here on the morning of the first day of school, which has crept earlier and earlier each August until it seems as though the 4th of July is closer than Labor Day, it occurs to me that the local School Boards may be suffering from an embarrassing affliction. I know it\u2019s not […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":[]},"categories":[2],"tags":[81,86],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3NIOM-9N","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":208,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2013\/08\/12\/signs-of-premature-education\/","url_meta":{"origin":607,"position":0},"title":"Signs of Premature Education","date":"August 12, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"As I sit here on the eve of the first day of school, which has crept earlier and earlier each August until it seems as though the 4th of July is closer than Labor Day, it occurs to me that the local School Boards may be suffering from an embarrassing\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Lunch Combination Special : column and recipe"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/IMG_2010-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":631,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/09\/26\/20-things-you-wont-hear-me-say-this-month\/","url_meta":{"origin":607,"position":1},"title":"20 Things You Won’t Hear Me Say This Month","date":"September 26, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"You\u2019ll hear me say a lot of things this month. 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