My husband and I just went through the most grueling, painful and literally fruitless experiment of our entire marriage: a no-carb diet. <\/p>\n
Me:<\/strong> (Serving up a whole chicken on his plate.) I\u2019ve made meat for dinner. Again.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> (Turning up his nose.) Darn. I had meat with a side of meat for lunch.<\/p>\n Me: <\/strong>Sounds eerily familiar to my breakfast.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> (Looking over all of the different animal proteins on his plate.) When do we get to eat something from a different aisle in the grocery store?<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> This no carb phase is supposed to last 2 weeks, then you can start introducing fruit and nuts back into your diet.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> I might die of scurvy before then. I feel my teeth rotting at this very moment.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Oh, I brush my teeth 10 times a day just so I can taste a little mint from the Colgate.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> (Sheepishly.) I\u2019ve taken to stealing the kids\u2019 Flintstone chewable vitamins to feel like I\u2019m eating a fruit cup.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Don\u2019t ask why all the woodwork in the house is extra lemony-fresh. Or my tongue. Bon appetit!<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> You mean non appetit. I mean, don\u2019t get me wrong, I love a steak as much as the next guy, but it\u2019d be nice to pair it with a potato instead of a hamburger.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> You’re forgetting all of those eggs you get to eat.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> (Mumbling.) My colon hasn\u2019t forgotten\u2026.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> What was that, dear? I can\u2019t hear you over my stomach grumbling.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> That\u2019s the other problem\u2014I\u2019m hungry all of the time. I just can\u2019t get full anymore. No sugar, no dairy, no fruit, no grains\u2026I feel like a hyena except I\u2019m not laughing.<\/p>\n Me: <\/strong>(Gnawing on a rib bone.) I know, I can\u2019t help but wonder if my appendix is regenerating.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> Tell me again how this is supposed to be healthy?<\/p>\n Me: <\/strong>(Heaving sigh.) I\u2019m not even sure anymore. The doctor who came up with this is dead.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> Of starvation or rickets?<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Probably murdered from someone like me who just wanted a damn piece of Wonder Bread.<\/p>\n (Finishing our plates but still ravenously hungry.)<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> What\u2019s for dessert?<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Tuna fish.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> (Completely defeated. And hungry.) Can you at last scoop it into a cone and put a cherry on top?<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Of course I can. (Opening the pungent can.) Just as soon as we reach Phase 2\u2026.<\/p>\n \u00a92014 Tracey Henry<\/p>\n <\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" My husband and I just went through the most grueling, painful and literally fruitless experiment of our entire marriage: a no-carb diet. Me: (Serving up a whole chicken on his plate.) I\u2019ve made meat for dinner. Again. Him: (Turning up his nose.) Darn. I had meat with a side of meat for lunch. Me: Sounds […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":[]},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3NIOM-6q","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":761,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2017\/02\/13\/just-when-you-thought-it-was-safe-to-answer-your-door-during-cookie-season-my-husband-and-i-discuss-sales-strategy\/","url_meta":{"origin":398,"position":0},"title":"Just when you thought it was safe to answer your door during cookie season, my husband and I discuss sales strategy…","date":"February 13, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Him: What\u2019s with the thousands of cardboard cases in the garage? Did you go to the wine store today? Me: No. Duh, wine store day is Friday and it\u2019s only Tuesday. No, they\u2019re cookies. Him: ? Me: Girl Scout Cookies. I thought I told you, I\u2019m Cookie Mom again this\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":420,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/03\/25\/worst-game-ever\/","url_meta":{"origin":398,"position":1},"title":"Worst. Game. Ever.","date":"March 25, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Sometimes my husband and I play this game where we try to up the ante on torturing ourselves and our family. The rules are simple: we take a very innocuous activity, then we each add a detail to complicate and add another layer of anguish. Our most recent round? Spring\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":533,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/04\/23\/stuffed-leg-of-lamb-wrapped-in-pastry\/","url_meta":{"origin":398,"position":2},"title":"Stuffed Leg of Lamb wrapped in Pastry","date":"April 23, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"I\u2019ve never been a ham person. In fact, I really dislike it. The only time this is ever an issue is Easter Dinner because somehow, this has become the go-to protein for spring because sodium pairs so nicely with tulips. Or something. Despite this culinary expectation, Easter Dinner has become\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Recipe"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/DSCN0197-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":709,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2016\/07\/24\/day-16\/","url_meta":{"origin":398,"position":3},"title":"Day 16","date":"July 24, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Today, Butch and Sundance decided to turn the tables on Louise and I, and tried to knock us off in their own subtle way. As I'm sure you can decipher from our photos and posts, Louise and I spent a long time and invested a lot of thought and effort\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":291,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2013\/11\/12\/a-tree-falls-in-nashville\/","url_meta":{"origin":398,"position":4},"title":"A tree falls in Nashville","date":"November 12, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Last weekend in our backyard... Me: The tree guy came and took down most of the dead trees in the backyard except for one. He said he would have to come back for that one with different equipment because it was too big. My Husband: That one by the fence\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":410,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/03\/14\/st-patricks-day-dinner\/","url_meta":{"origin":398,"position":5},"title":"St. Patrick’s Day Dinner","date":"March 14, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"One of the things I remember the most about my mother's cooking was her corned beef dinner. She would make the corned beef, red-skinned potatoes and boiled cabbage. It was one of my favorite meals as a kid. Except for the cabbage. The cabbage smell would make me gag, but\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Recipe"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/IMG_1650-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/398"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=398"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/398\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=398"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=398"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=398"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}