This is the most over-thought protein in the world. There are built-in thermometers, specifically-crafted deep-fryers, brining bags the size of Samsonites and special 1-800 hotlines to cook the easiest part of the entire Thanksgiving meal. If you find yourself calling a hotline to tell you how to throw a bird in the oven and cook it until it\u2019s 180 degrees, you\u2019ve got bigger problems than Butterball can solve.<\/p>\n
Gravy<\/strong><\/p>\n Here\u2019s where a hotline is actually needed because it\u2019s the most complex component on the menu. Caller: Hello? My gravy is filled with lumps and the color of a cotton ball. Gravy expert: Sounds like you have enough flour in there to make about a dozen Parker House rolls. Please hold while I transfer you to the yeast hotline.<\/p>\n Potatoes<\/strong><\/p>\n No matter how many pounds you bought, it\u2019s not enough. Double, triple, square the amount you think is too much. Become Idaho. I\u2019m talking enough starch to stiffen all the collars in Vatican City during Advent. Enough for all the sheets on Martha Stewart\u2019s estates. So much that Dr. Atkins returns from the grave to make you a steak dinner. You must make all of the potatoes.<\/p>\n Relish tray<\/strong><\/p>\n This is an often over-looked dish on the Thanksgiving table. That wonderful separated spread of gherkins, dill pickles and roasted peppers. You may be tempted to skip this item when you realize how many extra items you actually have to buy, but if someone isn\u2019t trying to eat a turkey leg with ten black olives stuck on their fingers, it\u2019s not really a family holiday.<\/p>\n Cranberry Sauce<\/strong><\/p>\n I\u2019m guessing that cranberry sauce has become an American Thanksgiving staple not insomuch from culinary tradition, but more to stave off bladder infections for women standing 12 hours in front of their stoves perfecting lump-less gravy with no bathroom breaks.<\/p>\n Stuffing<\/strong><\/p>\n Now I don\u2019t get all Chief Judging Judge and Miles StanJudgish on what people put in their Thanksgiving stuffing. Cornbread, white bread, apples, oysters–whatever you want is good by me. I can\u2019t promise that I won\u2019t get all Sally Salmonella on you if you cook it inside the bird instead of safely along side of it, however.<\/p>\n Sweet potatoes<\/strong><\/p>\n You may not think that sweet potatoes are needed if you already have mashed potatoes, but you would be wrong. Again, it just wouldn\u2019t be a proper family holiday without a bad Popeye \u201cI yam what I yam\u201d impression and a fist fight over marshmallows.<\/p>\n Root Vegetables<\/strong><\/p>\n This is where the meal gets dicey, and I don\u2019t mean how to cut the carrots. There are those among us that insist on weird objects like turnips, rutabaga and creamed onions. I have no frame of reference for these things. For me, they are not just foreign items on my holiday table, but from a different century. But I assume they pair nicely with mincemeat pie and aspics.<\/p>\n Pies<\/strong><\/p>\n Speaking of pies, yes to all of them. Apple, pumpkin, pecan. It\u2019s a little known historic fact that Native Americans gave the Pilgrims diabetes on the first Thanksgiving in return for that small pox favor.<\/p>\n
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