Last weekend in our backyard…<\/i><\/p>\n
Me:<\/strong> The tree guy came and took down most of the dead trees in the backyard except for one. He said he would have to come back for that one with different equipment because it was too big.<\/p>\n My Husband:<\/strong> That one by the fence line? That\u2019s no big deal, I can take that down myself.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Uh, I\u2019m pretty sure that the tree expert<\/i> said it was a particularly difficult removal, so maybe we should leave it to him.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> And have him charge us a grand for something I can do with my car and a $5 towrope in an afternoon? No thanks.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> But we aren\u2019t allowed to remove any trees without HOA approval that are over six inches in diameter.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> That\u2019s close to six inches.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> That\u2019s what all men say. Anyway, I really think it\u2019s bigger than you think and too close to the fence.<\/p>\n 2 hours later…<\/i><\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> I\u2019ve got all of the equipment set.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> (Looking at the meager and inadequate supplies.) You have a reciprocating saw, a leather belt and a clothesline. You could probably take down a bonsai tree by Thanksgiving or dry a beach towel with that.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> Whatever. You obviously don\u2019t know physics. If I cut it on this side, and anchor it here, and attach a come-along this way, it should fall right into this clearing, missing all structures.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Come-along with me to county jail because if it falls a foot in any other direction it will take out the Opry radio tower. It\u2019s seriously a big tree.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> Video killed the radio star, not an old tree with Dutch Elm disease. Let\u2019s get started while no one is working in the community office, mkay?<\/p>\n Me: <\/strong>Fine, but only because you\u2019ve already chipped away at both sides of this trunk like a cartoon beaver and we can\u2019t leave it like that or it will come down on the next jogger with too loud of an iPod that comes down that walking path.<\/p>\n Him: <\/strong>Hopefully, they\u2019ll be biking instead so they\u2019ll be wearing helmets.<\/p>\n A few minutes later, my husband, son and a wide-eyed intern are pulling on different ropes on a tree so large that if it were non-deciduous would be in Rockefeller Center with Rockettes hanging from it. It teeters, shakes, and rocks back and forth until it finally falls at a 90 degree angle away from the intended spot, hitting the swing set before landing against another tree right in front of the new fireplace and patio.<\/em><\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> (Emerging from a dust cloud of sawdust, leaves and stray branches) WOOOHOOO! Did I break anything?<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> (Surveying the impossibly lucky angle that the stupid tree fell against the steel bar of the play set and cradled against another tree while sparing the neighbors fence, the porch, my son\u2019s head, and the Intern\u2019s spirit) Just 46 HOA covenants.<\/p>\n Him:<\/strong> (High-fiving the boys.) 7 less than last weekend!<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> And my writer\u2019s block.<\/p>\n \u00a92013 Tracey Henry<\/p>\n <\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Last weekend in our backyard… Me: The tree guy came and took down most of the dead trees in the backyard except for one. He said he would have to come back for that one with different equipment because it was too big. My Husband: That one by the fence line? That\u2019s no big deal, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":[]},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3NIOM-4H","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":322,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2013\/12\/03\/o-no-christmas-tree\/","url_meta":{"origin":291,"position":0},"title":"O (No) Christmas Tree","date":"December 3, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"This year we had it in our minds that we would forego the corner Christmas tree lot, and make a trip out to a tree farm where we would make some yuletide family memories with a chainsaw and some rope. We packed up the kids, headed northwest a couple of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/12\/IMG_2333-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":398,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/02\/28\/how-to-lose-weight-your-mind-and-all-close-relationships\/","url_meta":{"origin":291,"position":1},"title":"How to lose weight, your mind and all close relationships","date":"February 28, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"My husband and I just went through the most grueling, painful and literally fruitless experiment of our entire marriage: a no-carb diet. Me: (Serving up a whole chicken on his plate.) I\u2019ve made meat for dinner. Again. Him: (Turning up his nose.) Darn. 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Spring\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":330,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2013\/12\/11\/the-rest-of-the-tree-story\/","url_meta":{"origin":291,"position":3},"title":"The rest of the tree story","date":"December 11, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Please read Part 1 of this sad story to fully grasp the significance of the attached report. Nashville, TN--After an unclear series of tragic events, Leroy \u201cTree\u201d Brown--family Christmas tree of Suburban Diva--took its own life in the early hours of December 3rd, sources confirm today. While not described as\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/12\/IMG_2337-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":611,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/08\/15\/college-countdown\/","url_meta":{"origin":291,"position":4},"title":"College Countdown","date":"August 15, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Our oldest is off to college in a few days, and I thought I\u2019d share this handy timeline on how to prepare for this upcoming event. 3 months out: Rent a storage unit to house and hoard your billboard-sized Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons for dorm shopping later. 2 months\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/IMG_3088-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":767,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2017\/03\/06\/a-tale-of-two-boxes\/","url_meta":{"origin":291,"position":5},"title":"A Tale of Two Boxes","date":"March 6, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"After a recent brush with local tornadoes, my husband and I simultaneously placed mail orders for surviving any upcoming disasters we may encounter. Me: Honey, we got two huge deliveries in the mail today. The box addressed to you is heavy, has been inspected by the NSA and is wearing\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/IMG_6284-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/291"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=291"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/291\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=291"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=291"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=291"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}