{"id":239,"date":"2013-09-05T21:05:51","date_gmt":"2013-09-06T02:05:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/?p=239"},"modified":"2013-09-05T21:05:51","modified_gmt":"2013-09-06T02:05:51","slug":"i-dont-think-they-do-have-an-app-for-that","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2013\/09\/05\/i-dont-think-they-do-have-an-app-for-that\/","title":{"rendered":"I don’t think they do have an app for that"},"content":{"rendered":"
It\u2019s September, so you know what that means? The start of Autumn and the end of bathing suit season.<\/p>\n
This past summer I\u2019ve been engaging in the latest fitness scheme in my long line of many. I\u2019ve told you about exercise classes<\/a> and yoga<\/a> before, so this summer I decided to try something markedly different–running.<\/p>\n I decided to use technological aids since biology, heredity and sheer will failed to make me a runner to this point in my life, so I bought an app for my phone that promised to ease me from the couch to 5 kilometers in 8 weeks.<\/p>\n At first, it was quite easy. The app, in her sing-song voice set to my \u201cDon\u2019t harsh my mellow\u201d playlist, had me alternating between running and walking every 90 seconds or so. I liked her. The first 3 weeks went by without incident and I was starting to feel as though I really may indeed find my inner jogger.<\/p>\n And then we hit week 6–or as I like to call it–the Weeping Week.<\/p>\n By the end of the fifth week, you find yourself huffing and puffing to a gradual eight minute run. It\u2019s somewhat of a major accomplishment from your initial 90 seconds, so you\u2019re kind of proud of yourself as you queue up week 6 on the old iPhone one unsuspecting morning. As you breeze through your 5 minute brisk warm-up walk, you notice a distinct difference in tone from your robotic friend. She seems testy–she\u2019s playing songs that aren\u2019t from your folk song playlist anymore–they\u2019re from lost tracks of Dick Cheney sings Phantom of the Opera. You consider for a moment that maybe it\u2019s just your imagination–after all you\u2019ve gotten along well together for over a month–but then all of a sudden she says, \u201cClose the pod bay door, Dave,\u201d and thumb tacks and oil start leaking from the treadmill like a Roadrunner cartoon and she tells you to run like your life depends on it for 20 minutes straight.<\/p>\n It will totally harsh your mellow.<\/p>\n If you make it out of week 6 alive, week 7 seems more reasonable. Going from 20 to 22 minutes doesn\u2019t seem so out of left field until she then springs this whole distance thing on you. \u201cNow run for 2.5 miles.\u201d Even at this late day in the workout regimen, that takes me 4 days at my snail\u2019s pace. In my month and a half uphill education my frame of reference for 5 kilometers is equidistant to running to Memphis. Or Albuquerque. I actually have no idea how long that it is, only that Van Morrison sings \u201cInto the Mystic\u201d three times before I get there.<\/p>\n I wish we could end our story now, with our fearless heroine running stealthily all the way down to the finish line of week eight and going on to do marginal at best in local charity and fun runs (an oxymoron, btw) in a size 2 running short. (It\u2019s my dream, leave me alone.)<\/p>\n But alas, I cannot. You see, I am repeating week seven over and over like a girl on a treadmill (mainly because I am) too frightened to move on to the final leg. I don\u2019t feel ready to graduate yet–like my robot app girl has something sinister in mind for my last motivational week. The Acme Road Obstacle Kit is mere child\u2019s play for what\u2019s in store for me on this last week.<\/p>\n My worst fear is she extends bathing suit season another 8 weeks.<\/p>\n And then I\u2019ll need an app to pay me 5K to get me from hiding behind my couch.<\/p>\n \u00a92013 Tracey Henry<\/p>\n Here\u2019s a recipe of protein and carbs you\u2019ll run to in a pinch over and over.<\/p>\n Beef Stroganoff <\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n