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| | Exalting everyday ridiculousness | |
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| | SD's 1040 |
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| | It's Tax time, and even Suburban Diva is not exempt from this painful activity. She is sitting in the rather nervous-looking accountant's office, spinning in his office chair while he pours through piles of her unruly paperwork.
Accountant: (Amidst a mountain of receipts.) SD, I don't think this "Diva Day Spa" charge is a legitimate medical deduction.
SD: If you would have seen my eyebrows that day, you would know that it was a bona fide medical emergency--they were beginning to impede my vision. (Resigning sigh.) Fine. Put that one under "church donation."
Accountant: What? Why?
SD: (Wistfully.) The Seaweed Wrap was a religious experience.
Accountant: (Clearing throat.) Let's move on. You have a lot of "writing expenses" that are, well, a little suspect. I don't think you can write off Tequila--no matter how much you go through it.
SD: It's like printer ink or toner; a liquid that helps the writing flow better.
Accountant: Yes, well, as true as that is, we can't claim it. This reminds me, you can't claim Jose Cuervo, Jim Beam or Jack Daniels as dependents on your return, either.
SD: Damn. I guess you'll have to take off Estee Lauder and the twins, Ben and Jerry, too.
Accountant: Now you may write off the computer as "office equipment," but I don't think the latte machine and High-Def flat screen tv fall under that same category.
SD: This is unbelievable. It's called research. Do you think I just pick this expert knowledge of useless pop culture from the air? Honestly.
Accountant: (Visibly shaking now.) How much of your actual house do you use as a home office?
SD: (Thinking.) While it's true that the computer, desk, files, phone and fax are in the spare bedroom; my real "creating" (mimes actual air quotes) goes on all over the house--especially in the hot tub. (Pause.) Can my bikini be written off as a uniform expense?
Accountant: Let's move on to your charitable deductions, shall we? Some of these may be red flags for an audit. I don't think the IRS recognizes gym memberships as a charity.
SD: Well, they should. Countless numbers of baby Spandex's are being saved as a result from my contributions to the treadmill every week.
Accountant: (Brightening slightly.) I am glad to see that you are claiming your housekeeper on your taxes this year, but I hasten to point out that this is not technically a charity, either.
SD: It's an environmental protection expense. Believe me, she's saving the planet each and every time she cleans under the boys' beds.
Accountant: And I don't think you can count your Blockbuster Membership as a "political contribution."
SD: (Indignant.) But I paid late fees on Fahrenheit 9/11! Are you sure I'm filing this return to the United States government and not Nazi Germany? (Falling back into chair.) Honestly, this is oppressive.
Accountant: (Heaving sigh.) All of these receipts to Macy's and Sax don't count either.
SD: What?! Most of those things I bought there were so trendy and illogical that I could only wear them once before giving them away!
Accountant: Brace yourself for this shocker, too, then. "Tax Preparation Expenses" does not include anything relating to Prada.
SD: (Beginning to weep.) Those shoeboxes of receipts I give to you every year are all designer brands…
© 2008 Tracey Henry
Happy Tax Day. Divamail me your woes at Divamail@SuburbanDiva.com.
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