A Tale of Two Boxes

After a recent brush with local tornadoes, my husband and I simultaneously placed mail orders for surviving any upcoming disasters we may encounter.

Me: Honey, we got two huge deliveries in the mail today. The box addressed to you is heavy, has been inspected by the NSA and is wearing camouflage.

Him: Oh great, the supplies I ordered from the Preppers website came.

Me: Ugh. Izod is so 1983.

Him: (Opening the really big box.) Not preppie—“Prepper.” You know like those people who prepare for an impending doomsday?

Me: I prefer to be called a Progressive. But whatever.

Him: (Ignoring my passive-aggressive politics.) With that tornado that touched down this week, I thought we should have more emergency supplies on hand.

Me: (Inspecting the contents.) Just how long do you think tornadoes last because you’ve got enough nonperishable food here for months.

Him: 2 months worth for 10 people to be exact.

Me: Is there a weather phenomenon that renders your tastebuds useless because I’m not sure the circumstances that would make me want to eat a pouch of creamed chipped beef.

Him: That will be a luxury if the power goes out for more than an hour.

Me: (Unimpressed.) An hour-long power outage would be the luxury if you couldn’t order from weird websites.

Him: (Checking out the 5 gallon drum of apple cobbler.) What was that, dear?

Me: I said, good thinking. (Inspecting one of the bags.) Um, what are these pouches of purified drinking water?

Him: In case there’s no fresh water supply, duh. And if we run out of those I have tablets to turn our urine into safe drinking water.

Me: (Horrified.) If we are ever in situation where we’re considering drinking human waste is a good idea I hope there’s cyanide tablets in there too because I’m out.

Him: Here’s a campstove made from a pie tin and a fire pit that needs no matches, but I also got waterproof ones just in case.

Me: The future looks grim.

Him: The future looks prepared. (Looking over at my ordered box.) What did you order for the emergency cause?

Me:

Him: (Opening my box. Coughing, choking, and then what appears to be sobbing.) You ordered a case of margarita glasses?

Me: (Backing out of the room.) We all have our coping mechanisms.

Him: (Disgusted.) I’m taking this stuff downstairs.

Me: (Apologetically.) The glasses are shatterproof…